Good Sweet Memories of a Nice Childhood

Little Billy said to his mama, “Mama, can I eat that too?” “No,” said his mama, “Piss off. This is for me, you little shit.” “I’m little Billy,” said little Billy, “not little shit, mama.” “What’s the difference?” his mama asked. Wow, little Billy thought, mama doesn’t know everything. “Mama, little shit is body excrement that is minuscule in size, but little Billy is me!” His mama said to him, “And you’re my body excrement, you little shit.” “Ooh,” said little Billy. “Can you take me to the bathroom then, mama? I want to see my own little Billies!” Then little Billy and his mama laughed and laughed and lived happily ever after.


Statistical Uncertainty In Legendary Tales of Days of Yore

One mustn’t forget the deeds of the thirteen young men who strove for this goal. On their way, they sweat such sweat that we, the selfish, ordinary creatures, only sweat in a lifetime, or perhaps half a lifetime, or more, for I am not sure. Of course when I speak of our sweats, I speak of the sweats of the average male of my surroundings, for I am only acquainted with my surroundings, and also as it would only be sensible to compare the sweats of the thirteen men with other ordinary men rather than women. Though then there is the fact that I, your humble narrator, mostly know of the sweats of men I have gone to gyms with, or stood in a bus at rush hours with, which is bound to be an skewed sample of the sweats of people. For not only do gymgoers sweat incessantly, but the rush hour buses also only contain a certain demographic of the population, mainly professionals and working men without cars living and working at a few certain areas, themselves home to certain social classes. But of course, by disposing of the gymgoers and keeping the bus users, one can reach a reasonably representative sample of the average male person’s quantity of sweat, and thus can conclude that the sweats of the thirteen young men in their strives are quite a lot.

Romance of Sherlock

Elegance was dripping from her strides, charm floating out of her glance, an awful hope from her smile. But she turned away to intoxicate the rest, and he of course could not bear to do away with the wish. He stepped towards the woman, and a few details became manifest, rather disturbing, but still, beauty had flaws, he warned himself, that could not be denied. Another step, and this time not flaws, but whole horror struck. The past was now in his eyes. The ill life, the traumas suffered and caused. There could be no dismissal. Yet there was, and the self-possessed, love-struck man in search of a beauty beyond grasp, took another step, powerfully, and an avalanche, flood, a whole ocean of immorality poured upon him, unacceptable, intolerable, arrant vulgarity, filth, the hideous, unabashed humanity of her. Then nothing at all. No further step. The woman felt a stare, turned, glanced, uttered a “creep” and strode ahead.

The Death of a Wee Bit Weary Man

In a moment like that, when there was no joy and no sorrow and only a rotten tiredness, he shut his mind to the world and outwardly became unconscious and inwardly jumped gleefully up and down on the trail of the gleeful mind and the things that filled it with glee and the things that gleed him up towards a mountain of made-at-precious-home joy, with the morose doctors losing hope at such pace that even a long nap under the tree would not let the tortoise reach and with their much much sober decision to cut him out of the world, and outside of the world was an absolute and absolute nothing and now, oh fun, so was he.

Dick Joke

Toilets had gone out of fashion and streets were filled with shit, swimming through town among cars and cats. Tourism was gone and with citizens taking leaks in crossways, so was shame, and so nudity also became public and tourism flourished again, albeit with tourists in masks, with only few aroused and willing enough to be without such obstacles between them and bodily beauties ahead. Senses, in a confused state, often mixed pleasure of the skin and alertness of the stink, and the new habit of people was to want lovemaking with the most profane and precarious, and psychological warfare and propaganda of old days was replaced with pornography and arousal. Generations later, atomic bombs had been proclaimed sinful for their sexual appeal, and there were fights in parliaments among prominent groups and allies advocating increase or decrease in budget for pornography as a policy of deterrence. But even by then, no one had yet discovered that it was not only nudity that had accompanied alertness, it was feces too, gaining more and more power with the new propaganda, and that was the dark instrument of the malevolent secret societies; to feed all humans with natural fibre and have them suffer in the abundance of shit, their daily agony.

On the Virtues of Ghosts

– If a man were to die, would you rather step on his head and sing a jolly song or die with him?

– I do not know. What sort of a man would he be?

– A most saintly one, with nothing for the angels to find but good deeds and virtuous thoughts.

– Well, I suppose I would step on him and sing then. A good man like him would not mind.

– And what if it were the devil himself?

– Or herself.

– Yes, or herself?

– Well, surely that would depend on whether it’s himself or herself.

– What if it were herself?

– Why, sing on the dead body of course. Certainly in the most heavenly realm of God a female devil would not dare get close to me, a man, for fear of breach of modesty, would she?

– I imagine not. And if it were himself?

– Death. Death it would be.

Of the Mirthful Encounters On Road

“Hello, ye, o child o’ mine! How am I to help you, with your awfully small claws and perfectly large nails?”

“O local o’ this land, are you not aware? I’m a traveler, from planets away, coming with a purpose in mind, and it is here that I shall do my duty.”

“And what is the purpose you speak of, o overgrown child? Are you in search of your dolls and toys, or a much loved and long lost pet?”

“No, it is not that I come for. Come closer and I shall tell.”

“What is it, young child? Is it perhaps an imaginary parent you miss? How lonely you seem. But my child, take your claws away. My scalp is no place for those. I can aid you, but there are nerves and receptors and such, one feels pain with the force of you. And see what you have done now, my misshaped and naughty guest, there is blood on my scalp, and my thinking has become warped, all because of your recklessness. Now I shall die without having helped you with your purpose. Oh, are you going back to your homeland? Well, farewell then, young traveler. I shall rest here for a while. The blood flow makes one rather tired. I shall close my eyes now. Farewell, child, and beware of the dangers of the way. Farewell.”